Visions at the Donut Shop

(Evan Wilson writes the following satirical piece concerning recent events at a Cape Breton Tim Horton's. Evan exerts marvellous control over his language in his very successful and witty consideration of the news reports. He most certainly means offense to no one, and no faith. If any one chooses to take offense, please let me know via e-mail. Otherwise, read on and enjoy the work of a talented young writer).

Jesus has appeared in the desert, and in the city.  Jesus has appeared on
paper, and in sculpture.  Jesus has appeared on television, and in art. He
has also failed to appear in His tomb.  You’d figure that after all that
travelling, He’d have to get a bite to eat sometime, so He also decided to
appear at “Tim Horton’s.”  Now, I would have thought that The Son of God
would have appeared at a more high-class joint, like “Red Lobster,” but I,
sir, am no theologist.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.
One thing I know, though, is that the lady who spotted the Blessed
Visage on the side of that donut and coffee joint does not deserve her newfound
reputation of having bats in her belfry. If we all believe that she has bats
in hers, it’s a bad thing that we don’t have any in ours. She just happened
to be buying a coffee, when she saw The Holy Ghost appear on a wall, and no
one else did. Children do that sort of thing all the time, yet they are not
ridiculed.  Don’t you remember the lazy afternoons of  childhood, lying in
the green summer grass, staring at cloud littered sky, and picking out the
different shapes created by the clouds on the deep blue canvas?
“Look, it’s a lamb!”

“Over there!  Unbuttered popcorn!”

“Whoa, that sort of looks like an old man’s beard!”

“Hey, it’s Our Savior, Jesus Christ warning us about the upcoming Apocalypse!”

Why not? It’s just the same.  Just because the canvas on which she spotted this
Holy Image was a solid brick wall, and not high up in the sky, close to Heaven,
do we really have to question her mental stability?  There are numerous
similarities between a brick wall and the sky, enough that Jesus could just
as logically appear on a wall as in the sky.  Both the wall and the sky look
to be completely flat surfaces, but are not as they seem:  a wall has many
imperfections, big and small; the sky is not really a surface at all. Both
the wall and the sky are used to keep what’s inside in, and what’s outside
out:  the wall keeps out rain, sleet, hail, the cold of winter, the
sweltering heat of summer, and various animals who don’t know how to operate
doors, while it makes sure that the heat of the heater, the chill of the
air-conditioning unit, and timbits which fall to the floor and roll around
do not escape; the sky keeps out stars, moons, garbage, the ultraviolet rays
of light from the sun, the radio waves of aliens who are trying to contact
Earth, and the debris that’s continuously falling off the Space Station Mir,
while it makes sure that the gravity of Earth, pop flies hit by the
superstars of Major League Baseball, and high flying avian species do not
escape.  Both the wall and the sky can be used to convey messages through
writing and the visual medium: many walls are used by graffito-taggers to
artfully express their feelings of rebellion by signing their names in
unreadable letters; the sky is used by sky-writers to artfully hawk the
wares of high-class businesses, and to propose marriage to many a doe-eyed
young lady.  Both the wall and the sky had the same approximate construction
schedule:  the construction of a modern “Tim Horton’s” donut shop usually
takes no more than forty-eight hours, walls and all; on the second day of
Creation, “…God commanded, ‘Let there be a dome to divide the water and
to keep it in two separate places.’… “He named this dome ‘Sky.’”
Isn’t it now obvious that the words ‘wall’ and ‘sky’ are almost similes?
Marshall MacLuhan once said that the medium is the message, and in this
case, Jesus was allowed to switch the medium of the sky to the wall without
the message suffering at all. The wall can convey His message of peace,
love, brotherhood, and the end of the world just as well as the sky. It all
makes sense once you put it into perspective, doesn’t it?
And hey, let’s not forget the old maxim, “Beauty is in the eye of the
beholder;” in this case, “Sightings of Jesus is in the Eye of the

Everyone interprets experiences a little bit differently.  We can all attest
to that.  Who hasn’t been on a trip with family and friends, spending the
evening discussing whether that suitcase in the corner was grey, or green,
or, in fact, a food processor?.  What about that Beatles song where you
think John is singing, your brother thinks Paul is singing, and your friend
thinks that you’re listening to the new Metallica CD.  How about the time
you and your great-grandfather argued about whether you were eating
squid or broccoli.  And what about that time you were positive that John Belushi
was the star of “Animal House” while your aunt’s old college roommate
thought that Pierre Trudeau was. This is just like the confusion that results
when one person sees a fine, high-quality, bricklaying job not really worth a
second look, while someone else sees The Holy Son, Jesus Christ, predicting
an oncoming hail of fire and brimstone.  As these examples confirm, this
mistakes happen to the sanest of people all of the time.

Another strike against this poor lady’s credibility the place she says she
saw He Who Died For Our Sins.  “Tim Horton’s” is an odd place for Him, isn’t
it?  Today, the only place people usually see Jesus is in church, or, rarer
still, in a plate of spaghetti. Restaurants, people figure, are the turfs of
the ghosts of Hamlet’s Father, Richard Nixon, and Elvis.  So, if the King of
Rock and Roll can be seen at a restaurant, why not the King of Kings?
I’m sure He gets hungry sometimes.  Others are using the excuse that He
disappeared soon after a new set of lights were installed.  “The real
 Jesus,” they say, “said He’d stick by His followers through thick and
thin. He wouldn’t skip out on us like this on such short notice.”  Remember
that Jesus is a busy man.  He probably had to eat and run.  I bet He didn’t
even get to finish His coffee.  A martyr’s work is never done.
After reading this, I hope that this whole thing is now cleared out.  Maybe
now you can see who is really the crazy one.  All is takes is a little logic
to explain how this religious stuff works.  That’s about all I know about
that theology stuff.