A Modest Proposal Concerning The Funding Of Education

                                                    By Michael Milner

Minister of Education:

     In  response to your recent  cuts to education I would
like  to make a  suggestion.  Please  do not disregard this
suggestion  before reading  fully as it  may greatly affect
our future.
     I have thought the matter over carefully and would now
like  to suggest  that you eliminate  all government funded
education.   You may be shocked to hear it said so abruptly
but  I know  that you  agree, seeing  that all  your recent
actions  have indicated it.  To help you see the benefits I
will go over the problems that will be solved.
     The  largest  of  education's  problems  occur  at the
university  level.  The technologies created and researched
at  most universities  are wastes of  money and potentially
hazardous.     Genetic   research,  nuclear   research  and
biological  experimentation are just some of the "advances"
being  investigated  at some  of our  universities.   If we
could eliminate these universities then we would eventually
stop  the development of polluting technologies by stopping
research  and cutting off the flow of university grads into
the workforce.  Getting rid of universities would also help
people  who dislike awkward situations and enjoy keeping to
themselves  from being forced to  meet people.  Eliminating
universities  will help stop some  problems, but to realize
all  of  the  benefits  of  eliminating  government  funded
education  we must look at the primary and secondary school
     In  most places  this level of  schooling extends from
five  years  of  age  (primary)  to  eighteen  years (Grade
twelve).   That's thirteen  years our youth  are wasting in
school.   If, instead of entering school, our five year olds
entered  the  workforce, imagine  the work  experience they
would gain over a thirteen year period!  Obviously, we could
not  start a five year  old as a doctor  or a lawyer or any
other profession that required a mature mind, but they could
be  started as assembly line workers doing simple work that
did  not require  much strength.   If in each school there
were twenty students in every grade (primary to twelve) and
there were forty schools in every province then we would be
looking  at over ten thousand new workers from our province
alone, even with these VERY conservative estimates.  If you
look  at the country  as a whole, that  is over 120,000 new
members  for our  workforce.  I  have been going  on and on
about  this new workforce and you  must be wondering how we
will pay all these new workers; well, have you ever given a
child  a dollar? Children are always thrilled at getting money.
We could pay a five year old two dollars for a ten hour day
and  they would be happy.  As to the parents, well, imagine
getting two dollars a day from your child instead of paying
three  dollars a day  just for their lunch!  That is to say
nothing  about  the cost  of  school supplies,  clothes and
activities.   Once the children  got older, they could start
to  move into more  advanced jobs that  required a bit more
responsibility.   A servant  or a paper carrier would be a
typical  step  up, and  from there  maybe to  an industrial
worker  or a truck driver.   Another concern you might have
is  how we would be able to get people to operate our high-
tech  systems that are already in place.  Who would control
our  water system?  Who would maintain  our power stations?
The people that currently control these important processes
would  teach the new workers what  they had to do; that way
the  workers would be able to concentrate on their one task
and  not have  to think about  anything else.   Keeping our
workers'   minds  focused  will  keep  them  from  thinking
negative  thoughts  and hopefully,  eventually, we  will be
able  to  reduce  stress levels  by  reducing  the workers'
knowledge  of world problems and issues that do not concern
them.   I understand that you're  the one who has to finish
putting this plan into action and that you have to calm any
opposition  and that  you have  to take  the blame  for the
mishaps but, more importantly, I know who the major problem
will be: the teachers.
     My  only suggestions for dealing with the teachers are
that you offer the older ones early retirement and that the
younger  ones help to place the  new workers into their new
     If  we want a larger,  happier, and less stress-ridden
workforce, then you are to be congratulated for the serious
steps you have already taken to eliminate government funded
     Of  course this will  require many documents  to be
created and,  of  course,  given out  so  I also  suggest
that you increase the paper budget so that we can get on
with it.
                                                Yours truly,

                                                Michael Milner,